Should Men Compete for Love?

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By Ayomipo Akorede 

Imagine that three men at a Lagos wedding reception are all vying for one woman’s attention. One is spraying crisp new naira notes, another is flexing his British accent, which is mostly perceived fake, and the last one is quietly praying that his imported cologne gotten on "pay small small" will speak louder than his bank account. This, my people, is competition for love --- our very own Naija version. But the big question is this: should men actually be competing for love? Is love supposed to be a football match where the highest goal scorer wins the babe? Or is that old-school thinking that we should leave behind with VHS tapes, floppy disks, and phone booths?

Scientists like David Buss, in "The Evolution of Desire", say that competition among males is not just normal, it’s written into our DNA. I agree one hundred percent. Looking back at the old days and what men did to prove they were worthy lovers, those things were predominantly physical: wrestling lions, scaling palm trees, and building the biggest mud huts just to prove they were so deserving. That ancient practice with matching energy is still in play today even though it has been rebranded. Thanks to Western influences. Now it’s guys buying iPhones for women they just met, leasing Benzes they can’t afford, and planning surprise proposals in the middle of shopping malls and other public places, with saxophonists and videographers ready to capture the moment for Instagram. Truth be told, the competition is fiercer. In fact, in modern parlance, they say it's paying your dues (intentional is the word I think) to show you deserve your woman. Phew! 

In simple economics, we know that scarcity increases value. So when multiple guys chase one lady, she starts thinking, “Wait o… if they’re all fighting over me, maybe I’m a big deal!” This is why, at Nigerian weddings, one guy’s dance moves alone can start a bidding war over who will spray more money. Scarcity, prestige, and social proof — all na the same thing. Matter-of-factly, many Nigerian ladies say they like to be pursued. That’s why you’ll hear lines like, “He should at least show he’s serious. Abi am I the one to toast him ni?” Even Chimamanda Adichie, in "Dear Ijeawele", admits that cultural expectations are stubborn. She posits that many women still expect men to “chase” even while they advocate for equality in other areas.

African books have plenty to say on this matter. On the side supporting competition, you’ll find works like "Male Daughters, Female Husbands" by Ifi Amadiume, "Marriage in African Cultures" edited by A. Adepoju, and "African Sexualities" edited by Sylvia Tamale. These books document how traditional African societies often encouraged male pursuit and competition for women’s affection, linking it to family pride, wealth, and social standing. Bride price negotiations, extravagant gifts, and public displays of affection were all ways men competed to show they were serious contenders.

But things are changing. Times are changing too. Honestly, I don't know if you think like I do. And now, I'm just like se love is Gulder Ultimate Search ni abi Big Brother that men have to manipulate or device terrible means or become who they are not just to win a woman's love? Should winning a woman's love be about a man's ego? Should women focus on the game and the players than their intentions? Have women now become prizes that should be won? That's the very reason many modern men who have mastered the game of seduction and deceit don't seek deep connection with women who are so focused on the game, the players and not genuineness. In the end, they treat them like slaves.

I couldn't be prouder to be a modern man who chooses to be distinct. Why do I have to lie or pretend to have certain qualities I don't have before I am accepted or able to genuinely connect with a woman? Love should not be a competition where the better player wins. Believe it or not, the betteŕ player may not be the best fit. Love is not about winning — it’s about mutual choice and respect. Sometimes, this “competition” turns into violence or toxic jealousy among men who know they are jostling to have the same girl. We’ve all heard stories of two men fighting at a Lagos club because of one girl. Bottles flew, police arrived, and in the end, nobody got the girl. Instead of romance, you end up with drama worthy of Nollywood  but far less entertaining when you’re the one paying for stitches at the hospital.

A while back, a girl mentioned that she had other suitors like me. Immediately, I was like "Me I no go compete for your love oh..." and we both laughed. When it comes to games, there will always be a better player. Trust me, trying to outcompete fifteen other guys can drain your pockets and your mental health. Ask that guy who borrowed money to impress a crush only to discover she was already engaged to her UK-based boyfriend who was simply waiting for his visa to clear. Omo, heartbreak no be beans. In this economy, where fuel scarcity, food inflation, and dollar rates are doing high jump, competing for love can leave a brother financially stranded and emotionally confused, if not drained! 

I want to also believe that there are modern women who seek partnership, genuine connection and not conquest. Do you remember the viral story of the man who proposed at Shoprite and the lady said “No” publicly, with camera phones recording every second? That was competition gone wrong. He thought grand gestures would guarantee a yes. Turns out… love no be by force. Or the classic Lagos party where guys form a squad around one slay queen, offering drinks, rides, and even business deals only for her to leave with the quiet guy in the corner. Moral of the story: sometimes, the quiet ones win. Love, my brothers, is not always about who shouts the loudest

Modern African writers like Chimamanda Adichie in "Dear Ijeawele", Oyeronke Oyewumi in "African Women Writing Resistance, and The Invention of Women" share my sentiment on turning love into a competitive game. Together, we believe that love should be mutual and rooted in respect, not a contest where women are treated like trophies waiting for the highest bidder. We remind you that the very idea of men competing for women’s love is tangled up with patriarchy, toxic masculinity, and cultural expectations that often leave both men and women feeling exhausted and undervalued.

At the end of the day, should men compete for love? Here’s what I think: a little pursuit is sweet. Show effort, show interest. Let her know you care. Buy her shawarma if your account allows it. Send sweet texts. Dance with her at that owambe. But don’t see love as a trophy. You’re looking for a partner, not collecting medals or Guinness Book of Records entries. Because as we say in Nigeria, “Love wey dey force, no dey last.” In other words, if you have to struggle and fight endlessly just to “win” someone’s affection, maybe it’s not love you’re fighting for — maybe it’s just ego.

So, compete if you must but remember, the real prize is mutual love and respect. And trust me, that one no dey finish like fuel scarcity. If you want a love story that will last longer than your data plan, let it be a two-way street. No need to fight lions or rent a Benz. Sometimes, just being real is enough to win the right person’s heart.