The Dynamics of Today's Romance: Deception and Sexual Love

By Olumide Labulo

Years ago, there was this new girl I went on a date with. I had thought the attraction was there, and I stood a good chance of making her my woman. I knew I wasn't a player, and I didn't have all the sweet words and phrases that could make her swoon with passion and grins from ear to ear. Since I was for real, I spoke without embellishments, hoping that my genuineness would count. Omo, I was wrong. The first thing she said was, "I thought you would sweep me off my feet with words", and then added, "There's a way I'm supposed to feel. To be honest, I'm not feeling it."  Walahi, I fold aje! 

In modern dating culture, there’s a sense that if the spark isn’t instant, the connection isn’t worth pursuing; in fact, it's dead on arrival---a paradigm shift in today's romance cum practice that pressures people to chase intensity and shallowness instead of depth or slow-burn attraction. Everyone wants to be swept off their feet, but nobody wants to stand still long enough to be carried. It’s like love has turned into a sport. If you can’t backflip into someone’s heart with smooth lines and a flawless sense of humour, they move on. Gone are the days when love was built like a house--brick by brick, with patience. Dating now feels like a marketing campaign. You polish your brand, curate your angles, perfect your captions, and sell the illusion of effortless desirability. Even honesty has become performance art. People say, “I’m real,” but often what they mean is, “I’m selectively vulnerable in a way that photographs well.” Genuine connection has become the rarest luxury. And when everyone’s performing, the one person who speaks plainly, who means every word, is often mistaken for boring. You see the irony? 

You go on a first date now, and it feels like an audition. The guy is trying to look effortlessly confident while mentally calculating his “banter to silence” ratio. The girl is gauging whether his sense of humour is worthy or if she can proudly post his voice on her story. Meanwhile, both are so focused on curating chemistry that they forget to just be human. What an exhausting practice! The psychology behind this mess isn’t new. In books like "Attached" by Amir Levine and "The Paradox of Choice" by Barry Schwartz, it’s explained that when people have too many options, they struggle to choose and even when they do, they second-guess. Psychologists say this obsession with spark is tied to what they call novelty bias. Our brains crave excitement. We mistake that rush for compatibility. It’s the same dopamine kick that keeps us scrolling through reels at 2 a.m. The thrill feels good, but it fades. After a few months, when routine sets in and reality checks arrive, many panic. They say “the spark is gone” when really, they’ve entered the real stage of love—the part that demands patience, emotional resilience, and genuine intimacy. Like the Yoruba gbure stew, love tastes better when it simmers. You can’t rush flavour.

For many millennials and Gen Zs, romance is a game where the better player wins. And since it is understood as such, different forms of deception like hiding intentions, in-person catfishing, emotional manipulation, etc., becomes the tool and skill needed to win at all costs. This explains why people can date for years without ending up together abi just a few months self and they are so detached. For some, it's about sexual chemistry. People who see sexual chemistry as a shortcut to feeling fulfilled, wanted, and connected, even if only for a moment or at the cost of their self-worth, prioritize it the most because of its powerful and intoxicating nature. Some even gullibly think it can transform into true intimacy that is rooted in trust, respect, and emotional safety with time. 

No one is ignoring the fact that sexual chemistry is important and natural. However, should your love story be built on it alone, rather than on emotional resilience or depth needed for long-term connection, it is nothing but mere fireworks. In fact, the most electrifying chemistry burns out after a few months, and you will be back to where you thought you left. A friend of mine once told me how he met this lady at a wedding in Ibadan. They danced, exchanged numbers, and talked for months. He said, “I really liked her, but she kept saying she wasn’t ‘feeling butterflies.'' Eventually, she ghosted him for someone she felt this sexual chemistry with. Three months later, that new guy broke her heart like a traffic light in Oshodi. The irony? She came back saying, “You were actually the calm I needed.” But by then, my guy had moved on. That’s how we keep recycling heartbreak, chasing intensity, and rejecting depth. It’s wild how people glorify chemistry while neglecting compatibility. We think excitement equals connection. But excitement is a liar. It’s loud, intoxicating, and fleeting. A psychologist once said that we live in the “microwave generation.” We want everything fast-- food, money, success, and now, feelings. But love is still an old-school recipe. It’s slow, messy, inconvenient, and takes time to cook. The couples who survive are the ones who understand this truth. They don’t chase constant highs; they learn to sit through the lows without bailing.

Another issue is that many people see vulnerability as weakness. People guard their emotions like it’s a national treasure. You ask someone, “What do you want from this?” and they say, “Let’s just see how it goes.” Translation: “I’m scared of being real.” Emotional honesty has become risky currency. You show too much, you’re “desperate.” You show too little, you’re “cold.” Either way, you lose. That’s why so many people stay half-invested-- loving halfway, hoping halfway, committing halfway. Yet, those who dare to love fully, without games, often find something rare. 

You see, the coexistence of deception and sexual love in relationships is a complex and often paradoxical phenomenon that can coexist because they are deeply emotional, primal responses of power, vulnerability, fear, and desire. Matter-of-factly, it is grey where sexual passion can ignite next to simmering resentment and where love walks hand-in-hand with deception. Haven't you ever wondered why many relationships that begin with intense attraction and emotional intimacy eventually devolve into cycles of deception, jealousy, and even hatred?