Love, Feelings and Reality

“…Love is a word that comes and goes but few people really know what it really means to love somebody…”

Kirk Franklin's “Love”

To be honest, the complexities of the understanding of love are overwhelming and what makes this even more so are the distinctiveness of humanity: intelligence, perception, creativity, language, environment, individualities and life experiences. So from a standpoint, we can consider love as an essentiality of humanity which is rooted in deep and genuine care, compassion, and respect for all people regardless of their backgrounds, beliefs, or circumstances. From another standpoint in man and woman relationships, love is a lot more complex.

In all sincerity, there is no generic definition to this type neither is there a one size-fits-all-approach to getting or giving it. However, we can say that it is a state of the mind that is affirmed by the awareness (feelings) of the flutters one experiences when thinking about or around someone. On this premises, is it plausible to say that love and feelings are the same? Of course not!!!!

Love and feelings are two worlds apart. Although it's really not surprising that the illusions of the ideals of love and its accompanying feelings are best lived in the pages of well-crafted, tailor-made novels and gargantuan absurdities in movies and product campaigns, the irony is that these imaginations have become the reality of many young people who don't know how much damage has been done to their psyche. Or where do you think the “rich tall dark and handsome" meme started from?

Indeed, no one is shrugging off the fact that love and feelings are intertwined but the misconception of one as the other usually puts one in a difficult situation. For starters, feelings can be devoid of love and love can be devoid of feelings in man and woman relationships. Confused? This is how it works. Feelings (which is an emotional state of awareness or reaction) always thrive on the wings of the superficial: sexual attraction, beauty, voice texture, gait, jocularity, vocality, etc. and can be very strong to have the resemblance of genuineness. This euphoria continues to fly until there is a shift or change in taste. The very reason people date for the shortest periods these days: two weeks, one, two or six months and they are so done! Love is not the word you say to becloud  reasoning. It is behavioural, it is an act! It is tender. The reality of this tenderness extends beyond feelings and connects to the deep things beneath the peripheral. It is empathetic, understanding, unselfish and sacrificial. It is conscious and careful, too careful to hurt.

Now here is the gist. The reality of love is strengthened by feelings (which is an affirmation and the juice of love). Feelings are a response (after a person has been in a state for a while---long or short) and they constitute the utmost height of love. Feelings can be so strong that you could be blinded to ignore subtle red flags and even yearn and feel their presence in absential as though they were with you. Little wonder many who prioritise feelings before love take its offerings as mere acts of kindness. Feelings can mislead you to love the worst personality ever  when you build on your superficial attraction to them. Love doesn't. Love is calculative, it runs concurrently with reality. And when it is pursued, it is done with purpose and determination. The ones in these category don't fall in love like the feelings people, they are very conscious and deliberate. 

Having considered these angles, the complexities of love still remain no doubt. Maybe one of them is the “love triangle" (ironies of love) thing where A wants B but B wants C instead and C doesn't want B except for gratification. Or C wants A and doesn't want B in a more complex triangle. Wahala! Maybe another is the love one gives without getting something commensurate or any in return. And maybe just maybe how certain imaginations, wishes and mysteries of falling in love have become the reality of few. With all of these regardless, one certain thing is that love and feelings are not the same but are two different sides of a coin. 

By Olumide Labulo